camel eye

If Only . . . . . .

If only “ifs” and “buts” were candy and nuts?

Yeah, I screw up. If only, if only, if only. If only I could do over. If only I had figured it out sooner. If only I would have seen it coming. If only I could undo it. If only I could get past it.

We all do regrettable things. For starters, we hurt others, we hurt ourselves, we make the wrong choices (often premeditated), we say things we regret, we waste our time, we let the important things drift, we do foolish things.

It’s a given: we make mistakes and we will make many more. What do we do about them? Well, if nobody really noticed it, why not just bury ‘em. Like when we harden our heart and give that self-righteous look to the man outside the convenience store with hair on his face, surly dreadlocks, and shame in his eyes, begging for some change. We walk by like he’s not there and think “get a job, slob.” Just tell yourself it’s no big deal. Minimize it into oblivion. After all, everybody does it. Rationalize it into oblivion. Why should you be the one to help this bum? Just lower your standards and go on. It’s not your responsibility in the first place.

It doesn’t matter what the regret is or how important it is: slouching at work, screaming at the kids, or little white lies to your spouse. Burying it won’t fix it and it won’t make it go away. Unresolved regrets come back to haunt us like Jason Voorhees. You never know when or where but the zombies are always buried just beneath our skin. Repression is a polluted way to live. To misquote the Bard, your insides become a “festering canker blossom.”

Let’s try something else to release our regrets. Let’s just blame others. What could be simpler? And, it works; sort of. At least it’s well rooted in history. When Adam took that egregious bite in the garden of Eden, he took it manly and immediately blamed his wife. It didn’t work for him and it hasn’t worked for anyone else either. When I screw up, it’s just about me. Deflecting it to someone else may get me through the day but I still sleep with guilt. Cindy and I have few rules but one is never go to sleep with anger, regrets, or unresolved problems. We’ve had some late nights but, when we do this, little things aren’t allowed to grow and we always wake up with a clear conscience. Pick milestones in your daily schedule and draw the line. Fix mistakes at work before you go home. Make everything right with your kids before you put them to bed. Release regrets with your spouse before you go to sleep.

Oh, poor me. If we can’t bury our regrets and we can’t just blame others, why not just blame ourselves. Oh, poor me. I must beat myself up. I can pay for my guilt with depression, self-punishment, setting myself up to fail, and even through sickness. How many Hail-Mary’s is this going to take? It’s a subconscious response we may not even realize. Self-condemnation is so convenient. All I need are prescription drugs, alcohol, and razor blades. Ok, maybe with a mix of burying regrets and deflecting regrets to others, I can leave the razor blades off the list. We can waste decades paralyzed in self condemnation. How do you know when you’ve punished yourself enough? The guilt doesn’t go away by just blaming ourselves.

As usual, our human viewpoint won’t get us where we want to go. We are not free until we fix our regrets with man AND God. With boogers at work, it can be as simple as a little overtime. With people, it can be as simple as a sincere apology. If you’ve done some big-time damage, it can take dedicated effort over time to repair what you’ve messed up. Nobody said it would be easy. It takes character.

With God, it is so simple we try to make it hard. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us of all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Hey! Cleansing is what I want. I accept my regrets, quit making excuses, and turn the condition over to God. “People who cover over their sins will not prosper. But if they confess and forsake them, they will receive mercy” (Proverbs 28:13). Confessing is such an elegant solution. “Forsaking” can take concentration, effort, and time, but it causes happiness and I’m all about that. Throughout the Bible we are told to do something in order to receive something. Believe in Jesus and receive eternal life in heaven. Love God and receive blessings. Have faith and receive strength. Confess and receive mercy and forgiveness. God is ready; willing, and able to clean our slate. All we have to do is ask and accept. Don’t let pride get in the way of asking and don’t let our human viewpoint get in the way a accepting. You have to do both. “there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). If you don’t belong to Christ, you’re on your own so keep right on denying it, passing the buck, and punishing yourself because that’s all you’ve got. If you do belong to Christ, accept His forgiveness and mercy, forgive yourself, right your wrongs, and focus on the future. Do all these things and wake up with a clear conscious and free spirit everyday. “Do not remember the past events, pay no attention to things of old. Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert” (Isaiah 43:18-19).